How The English Team Lost the Latest Ashes Tour in Australia in Only 11 Days

This has been a calamity, without a doubt.

England's latest humiliation down under will be etched in history as their most dismal in recent times not only for its swift conclusion, but also because this was intended as an opportunity to recapture the Ashes from a vulnerable Australia.

This is the manner in which England engineered their own downfall, from selection and preparation, to drinking and coastal leisure in Noosa.

Foundations Laid Well in Advance

Looking back grants everyone wisdom, but the shortcomings of this tour commenced months prior.

It was a missed opportunity not to experiment with a specialist opening batter when Zak Crawley suffered an injury in the previous English season, instead expecting Dan Lawrence to fill a position for which he is ill-suited. Lawrence has vanished from the setup.

If Jordan Cox's injured thumb in New Zealand 12 months ago was regrettable – Cox could have been a much-required backup wicketkeeper in Australia – then the decision to send Mark Wood to the Champions Trophy proved extraordinarily expensive.

England so urgently needed speed on this tour, then managed to injure their fastest bowler in a tournament they were highly unlikely to triumph in.

Coach Paul Collingwood departed at the beginning of the home summer and has not been replaced, and there was no clarity on the identity of England's fast-bowling coach for this tour up until the last minute.

Chris Woakes' shoulder dislocation effectively ruled him out of the Ashes, but there were still two other players in England's squad for the last Test against India that failed to travel to Australia: Jamie Overton and Liam Dawson.

Overton stepped away from red-ball cricket after taking a spot at The Oval which could have gone to Matthew Potts, Matthew Fisher or Sam Cook. Dawson - or any other primary slow bowler – would have been pragmatic cover in Australia for Shoaib Bashir, whose form was an accident waiting to happen.

Even the unveiling of the Ashes squad was an underwhelming omen of things to come.

Whereas the British & Irish Lions presented their Australian tour squad in front of 2,000 fans at the O2 in London, England quietly released their team on a press release with no notice a couple of hours after the death of legendary umpire Dickie Bird was announced.

When it came, the 12-month hokey-cokey over Ollie Pope's place continued as he was replaced as vice-captain, adding more ammunition to a Jacob Bethell debate that is ongoing.

Director of cricket Rob Key did not give an interview about the squad until a full 24 hours later, at which point he brought a close to Woakes' international career, denying the privilege from the man himself.

Neglect Preparation, Expect Failure

For all the scrutiny of England's pre-series plans in Australia, the insurmountable hurdle to more warm-up matches was a white-ball tour of New Zealand that had been on the calendar for an extended period.

Despite assertions the series against the Black Caps was valuable Ashes groundwork, England were defeated in three of four completed matches, effectively played at the tail-end of the southern winter.

England ultimately got the Ashes warm-up they wanted – an intra-squad match. However, there is indication of second thoughts through their opening of negotiations with Cricket Australia over an agreement to ensure better preparation on future Ashes tours.

If there was an offer of a match against a state team or Australia A, it was insufficiently spaced from the tour of New Zealand for England to accommodate it. England insist they asked for time at the Waca, only to be told the ground was out of action. When England made the request is not clear. The Barmy Army managed to book a game there.

The Lilac Hill conditions for the warm-up match were slow and low, far distant from the zip and lift of Perth Stadium.

The overall approach was relaxed. England team analyst Rupert Lewis took the field to run the drinks and music blared from the dressing rooms throughout the three days. Harry Brook's shots demonstrated his disdain for the exercise.

As the Lions players not involved were ordered to do laps of the park as part of a rigorous conditioning regime, Bashir's bowling was taken apart by his own team-mates and Wood had to go for a scan on his hamstring just a handful of overs into his comeback.

A touch of farce came when the scorecard failed, showing Wood to be batting despite being in hospital at the time.

Perhaps the most memorable moment of the Lilac Hill week came before a ball was bowled, when captain Ben Stokes described critics of England's plans as "past-it figures". It was a unfortunate phrase, but one that could have been corrected immediately.

Two Down in Six Days

England managed the build-up to the first Test. Josh Tongue and Jamie Smith brushed aside questions about golf, stumpings and moral victories.

On top at lunch on day two in Perth, England were defeated before stumps on the same day.

Stokes said he was stunned in some irritable post-match media interactions, comments that were used against the captain as England lost the public relations war in the days after the Test.

England were followed by photographers to golf courses and even an aquarium, while housing the squad in a hotel attached to a casino was probably a mistake. Some of the group took a liking to an Australian brand of takeaway frozen yoghurt.

The decision not to send more players to the Lions' day-night game against a Prime Minister's XI in Canberra was explained by the contrast in conditions between the capital and Brisbane.

However, a week's worth of no communication did not help the tourists. Former Australia pace bowler Mitchell Johnson accused them of being "conceited".

England instead opted for five days of training in Brisbane, a workload that head coach Brendon McCullum would later claim left his team "excessively rehearsed" for the second Test.

When Stokes finally ended the media blackout, he clarified the "has-beens" comment and responded to Johnson by saying England could be called "rubbish", rather than arrogant.

As the build-up to the Test continued, Stokes and Pope had to respond to pictures of the captain, Wood and Smith riding escooters without helmets – an infraction punishable by a fine under Queensland law.

On the field, Root's much-anticipated first hundred in Australia was made irrelevant by some awful shots by his team-mates and England missed five catches.

Following yet another defeat at the Gabba, Stokes said his dressing room is "no place for weak men" – words that could return to haunt later in the tour.

By the Seaside

England said their four nights in the holiday destination of Noosa had been planned for more than a year, which possibly leaves it as one of the most carefully arranged parts of the tour.

Some took advantage of it in the spirit it was intended. Root, for example, had accommodation with his family separate from the main drag and was not once seen near a bar. It was strange that more family members were not present for what was described as a break from the Ashes.

For others, it was a glorified stag do. Some members of the team embarked on two days of drinking in Brisbane with four more in Noosa – six in total, as many days as there had been of Test cricket at this point in the tour.

The England party was hardly inconspicuous, drinking by the side of the road, with plenty wearing traditional Akubra hats that became the standard attire of the holiday.

There was a three-line whip issued to attend a kick-about on the beach, where England were taunted by local radio DJs and socialized with other holidaymakers.

Stokes was seen out running, while on another occasion strength and conditioning coach Pete Sim summoned the entire group for a run along the coast at 07:45am. Smith, Bashir and Tongue were the only players to turn out.

At the end of the trip, a member of the England security staff was alleged to have had a physical confrontation with a cameraman from TV network Seven following a altercation in Brisbane airport.

Despite the ribbing and attention from Australian media about their time on the beach, England probably put in their most competitive showing of a bad bunch in the Test after their jollies in Noosa.

All Over in Adelaide

By the third Test, England's narrative had become mixed. Stokes talked of "relishing the tension", despite actively looking to reduce expectations from his team over the previous three years.

Brook said England had not spoken about cricket in Noosa, whereas Stokes admitted there had been "raw" conversations. Crawley would later claim not to know about the "weak men" comments.

Perhaps conscious fielding had let them down, England engaged in some rare fielding drills.

At an Adelaide ground noted for helping spinners, England excluded Bashir, a decision explained by the need for Will Jacks' batting at number eight. Assistant coach Jeetan Patel insisted Bashir had not become "undroppable".

After putting so much emphasis on high pace, England were left with makeshift tweaker Jacks bowling more overs than anyone else in the match.

Publicly, England remained calm. McCullum's walk to the Adelaide Oval twice passed through BBC Radio 5 live shows being broadcast from outside the team hotel. Patel left a news conference with the words: "{Enjoy your evening|